My entire childhood, I was thin thin thin. Like sickly thin, but not sick. I hated it. I wanted to look normal like other children, but at that time, I was genetically predisposed to being thin. I just couldn't help it. Despite my best efforts to gain weight (eating terrible things, drinking Ensure with every meal) I stayed small and got made fun of for all my trouble. The only good thing about being so thin was that I could eat anything I want and not worry about the consequences.
From sixth to twelfth grade, the question that was posed to me most by bullies and friends alike was, "Why are you so boney?"
Boney. I hate that word.
This all changed when I was 19. I started on this course of medicine (what and why in a future post). To my delight, I was gaining a little weight, getting a little curvy. Guys started paying attention, I had more confidence, and no one called me "boney" anymore.
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Two days ago, I had an appointment with my PCP. I hadn't had a basic check up since I was 19. Long story short, I have gained a good deal of weight since then and the doctor thinks I should lose 40 pounds, putting me somewhere around 105-110.
Now, at 23, if I even smell something mildly fattening, it goes to my thighs. My situation has reversed: Putting on weight is no sweat. It's easy as pie (ha). Losing it is . . . well . . . a problem.
I love food. I do. Eating feels good and you need it to live. But I take it to a whole 'nother level.
I credit myself as being intelligent. But when it comes to food, I'm a moron. I love quesadillas and pizza and apple turnovers, cherry pies and creme brulee, bagels, eggs, BACON, sausages, chili, cheeseburgers. Vegetables? They come out of the ground and dirt is on the ground. Eww. My mind loves these fat foods, as well as my body, which loves them so much, it sees fit to hang on the best parts of them -- the mmm mmm mmm fatty parts. My curves were lovingly crafted with not a second thought as to the increasing amount of me I was carrying.
I can stand to lose weight. But 40lbs?!
Everyone I've told about this thinks it's crazy and that the most I should lose is 25lbs. I'm up to the challenge. I want to improve my health, feel better, and such. The thing is I LIKE the way I look now. I've wanted this body for years. I like my breasts and my wonderfully prominent bum, as the Boyfriend enjoys these things, too.
Sigh.
It's so strange to be told to diet when all my life I was encouraged to eat. Being black and Southern, "good eatin'" is apart of my upbringing. Black ideals of beauty and white ideals of beauty are markedly different. My doctor (actually nurse practitioner) is a 30ish white woman. To her, I probably look unhealthy and unattractive (it's funny because she couldn't have been more than 10lbs less than me, but I need to lose weight?). White beauty, that Hollywood ideal beauty (the Friends Construct) is THIN. I am not thin anymore and I'm fine with it. To black people, I'm the physical ideal.
Chest+booty+hips=Curves=beautiful.
The Boyfriend has encouraged me to eat to be healthy and not to eat to lose weight, which I think is a good idea. I like how I look, but I do need to take into consideration that I'm older, my metabolism isn't what it used to be, and I don't want to have a heart attack at 40. My sister told me to just not eat (she, at a svelte 115 and size 0, would know a little about eating less than necessary), but that's not an option.
So onward! For the past two days I've definitely cut my portions and calorie intake. It hasn't been hard thus far, just boring. I'll miss the anticipation of a sausage and pepperoni pizza and the magic of its delivery. I guess I'll have to get my kicks in other ways. Perhaps, some fun way of getting active?
Updates to come.
*Note: This will never become a diet blog. This blog is my emotional dumpster and being called fat for the first time in my life by a doctor -- TRAUMATIZING.
I should have offered her a kick in the face. I'm Tyra Banks fat, not Rosie O'Donnell fat, bitch.
3 comments:
40 pounds?!
That seems a bit absurd...I don't know, but I'm that person that doesn't believe in losing weight. I mean, if it's health thing, I guess it wouldn't hurt - BUT 40?!?! Seems really drastic. I would just say, don't obsess over it. I think you're beautiful :-)
Thanks Ray!
Isn't it crazy? 40 pounds is about a quarter of my weight. I think it's time for a new doctor. I'm all for healthier living but this doc wants to give me an eating disorder.
Bleep that.
Got the email and it led me to look over your posts ... I'll comment here that that doctor was probably using the BMI - it is standard now but it plugs in three numbers, height squared and weight and a constant I believe, without taking body type into account.
I ran this on myself at various weights once. Under BMI, I am considered "Obese" when I am feeling overweight and a need to exercise more and "overweight" when I am feeling healthy. My weight when I was almost done with the AT, starving and eating my muscle reserve to fatigue in the Maine Wilderness because I was almost out of food (true story), well that weight plugged into BMI yields a value of almost overweight!
Furthermore, I believe the BMI doesn't differentiate for gender!
Anyways, I hope you still weigh around the same as you did when I skipped B-more, because you looked perfectly healthy then.
I'll get back more about this topic, but blogwise - with your recent loss you should take the opportunity to post up some more here :o)
PEACE
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